Buffy Gets Rekt
by UnstableUniverses
Summary: Will Buffy and her friends survive in a battle royale against the TMNT? Written for the UnstableUniverses podcast


Buffy grabbed another handful of the thick black mud to rub onto Spikes back.

"Quickly mate, before the sun rises," said Spike. He was also creating a thick mud layer over his skin to block the sunlight.

Close by a naked and hunched over Willow was doing the same thing to Angel.

"I can't believe the people running this thing gave us so many weapons but not even a loin cloth to cover my private bits," she complained.

"It's fine, if we are naked that means everyone else is too. It'll be easier to defeat them in hand to hand combat," replied Buffy.

Little did this group know that their adversaries wouldn't need clothes, because they had something much… much better.

The group moved on from their campsite, the thick layer of mud working well to block the sunlight from Angel and Spikes sensitive skin. Armed with several wooden stakes and her trusty scythe Buffy felt confident walking into battle.

"We kill these guys, win the prize money, and go on a cruise," Willow repeated their plan aloud. Angel and Buffy nodded in agreement. Spike was still a little unsure how much he would be able to enjoy the cruise when he couldn't go out in the sun.

Movement through the dense forest was slow and painful for the shoeless group, their sensitive feet weren't used to so many rocks and twigs. But the map showed the battle clearing to be just a few hundred yards further.

Sunlight began filtering more and more through the once heavy tree canopy, testing the dried mud covering the bodies of the two boys, so far it was working.

The rag-tag group of fighters stopped at the edge of the clearing.

"Is everyone ready?" Buffy asked.

"Let's just get this over with Slutty the vampire slayer," said Spike in his maybe usual womanizing way.

Buffy covered her nipples defensively and stepped onto the soft ground of the clearing. The sunlight felt wonderful on her bare skin and she was suddenly enveloped in the sweet smell of lilac blossoms. Her eyes drifted shut in ecstasy as her arms relaxed, allowing her small nipples to enjoy the warmth of the sun as well. Looking behind her she noticed that the strange clearing seemed to be having a similar effect on her best friend and her two tinder boys.

"I cant remember the last time I felt the warmth of the sun," Angel sighed, fully content.

"Uhh Guys?" Willow called from several feet away, "We have company."

And indeed the mismatched group of beings did have company. A very matched group of beings had wandered into the clearing. Willow probably would never have noticed this other group had it not been for the brightly coloured bands they wore around their eyes to hide their identities, their skin was green and easily camouflaged into the forest behind them. But luckily for Willow and her friends this other group only had a turtles capacity to think and a teenagers strong desire to look cool.

"Oh shit," Spike yelled.

"Hey, don't swear," called one of the green fellows.

"Yeah lets keep this rated E for everyone," another one called.

Buffy took in the four figures standing across the field. Each had a different weapon and from the build of their bodies she could tell they were all specialized. And the armor! Their backs were covered in a large bone shield and their skin looked almost leather-like. Buffy knew there was no way a simple wooden stake would pierce anywhere on their body.

"Willow you and I will incapacitate them! Then Spike and Angel can go in for the bite. We can let the sun finish them off," Buffy yelled.

Angel screamed like a little bitch. "They're creating stakes!"

All eyes landed on the green boys. They were using a large pencil sharpener to turn the purple boys staff into a very long stake. The nun chucks of the orange one had been sharpened as well into what Spike could only describe as an evil spinning double stake.

The orange one saw spike staring, "Cowabunga dude," he called giving Spike a three-fingered wave. The bottom of Spikes stomach dropped out in fear of this emerald mans savageness.

Willow walked to the center of the field with Buff close by her side. She was preparing to send the first hit when the running began. All four speedy green demon barreled towards her.

Pew Pew went her magic spells, slowing down the onslaught. Buffy hauled ass, and jump kicked the red one in the face, knocking him down. She pulled out the scythe and swung it around to slice the purple one but was stopped by his staff. White lights flashed past her as Willow continued holding the other two back.

"Give up old woman," the purple one whispered in Buffy's ear.

"I'm only 19."

"Bro that's so old. We're 14." The orange one piped up while trying to dodge Willows attacks.

"Wait, are they children?" Willow called. The horror of attacking children was evident in her voice and she paused her casting long enough for the blue one to tackle her, his dual swords tearing her stomach open. In the blink of an eye Spike and Angel were on him, their vampire faces at full throttle. Both fangs and dicks were out and ready to penetrate.

Buffy was filled with rage at seeing her friend die such a brutal death. She pulled the scythe out of the staff and tackled the orange green thing that had distracted her friend. Without thinking Buffy began to bash in his head with the blunt end of the weapon over and over again. She got lost in the rage and reveled in the cracking of the skull. Brains splattered her face but still she didn't stop. Not until she felt a sharp metal object pierce her back. She looked down and saw the tip of the sai poking out where her nipple should have been. I guess if you looked at it a certain way it would have looked like a large metal nipple.

"You killed my brother," the red one deadpanned, "I'd hate to see you continue living." And with that he pulled the sai out of the one nipped Buffy's back and she collapsed on top of the bludgeoned body wheezing for air.

The red one turned to his purple wearing brother and nodded. Weapons and dicks out they ran at the two vampires currently attempting to gnaw through their brother's tough skin. Their dicks swung around as they began to pee. Slowly the mud washed off of the two vampires and the smell of barbecue filled the air.

"Fuck, I'm burning," Spike exclaimed before being staked with the wooden staff.

"I said to keep this rate E for everyone." The purple one said. Which was very ironic because his dick was out.

Both of Buffy's past flames went up in flames and the remaining turtles high fived.

"Now we have enough money to pay Splinters bail."

THE END


End file.
